Annoying Customer Episode #1

I will be spotlighting some annoying customer habits in this blog, all stories are based on true occurances. This is to showcase the funny, ignorant, annoying, and just plain insane customers that actually act this way.

I worked the opening shift at a sandwich restuarant. I did the morning prep, made the bread, and of course the favorite morning tasks of cooking the bacon. The quality of bacon was excellent and we would cook a large amount every morning for the lunch rush on a small grill basically no larger than the surface area of a regular sized stove. This was the grill that during business hours would be used to make cheese steaks, and other grilled sandwiches.

We'd keep the bacon warm throughout lunch with a heatlamp and it worked very well.

Except for one customer. A blonde fair skinned woman in her mid twenties with long pink fingernails who obviously had never cooked bacon ever in her life.

She would always ask us to put her bacon back on the grill because she didn't think our bacon was crispy enough. I think she wanted it burnt because our bacon was very crispy. In fact most customers gave us props for how nice our bacon was, cooked fresh and just the right amount of crisp.

Each time she would come in and each time the employees would try to talk her out of it or basically deny her the right to have regrilled bacon. The employees weren't being mean, they were looking out for her best interest. They knew what the outcome would be if they gave in to her wishes. They tried to be nice and since the grill was usually full, they would reply with something like, "Oh it will take a while, is the problem the tempiture ma'am?" She would reply back with " No, it's just that you don't crisp it enough, I like my bacon crispy. " Ma'am our bacon is crispy". Some would even take a small piece and break it in half to show the crispiness. By this time the people behind her were getting aggitated and it was time to move on. "Sorry, our grill is full, I can put it in a microwave or I can write out a grill ticket and you can wait 15 minute for your bacon if you like." "ahhgh It's fine just put the bacon on the sandwich as is." She must have found it fine because She always came back but she'd always ask the same question and we would give her the same answer.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I was done protecting her. I was sick of every week saying the same thing over and over, I was sick of her giving the same replies, and just like kismet we happened to meet that day. A slow Tuesday at 11:16 am. I decided to give her what she wanted, You know, since the grill wasn't full.

I quickly replied with ma'am you are in luck today, its been so slow I will be happy to put your bacon on the grill. If you've ever cooked bacon before you know that bacon uses it's fats to cook itself. Once it's taken out of that environment and set on to a grated tray to let the rest of the grease drip off, it not only looses it's viscosity element that is the grease but bacon rigamortis sets in. It's like the bacon, in an attempt to leave a good looking corpse, tries to do a yoga move and gets stuck that way. Bacon is never completely flat unless you microwave or bake it with precision.

I'm all off in my only little world thinking about bacon doing yoga stretches when the whiney voice breaks in "Umm Do you have any flatter pieces?" "Uhhh I can search through the pile", I said with uncertainty. Well it wasn't really uncertainty it was me trying to make it seem uncertain. Rule 32 had been put in place and I knew exactly what I had to do. Duty had called.

I'm sure you are asking what rule 32 is anyways? Rule 32 is one of the most common rules dealing with difficult customers. Rule 32 states that if the difficult customer doesn't like the product and asks you to switch it out, you go and find the worse match for what they want, and persuede them into thinking it's exactly what they want. The easiest way to do this is to pretend to do everything you can for them, for instance sorting through a pile of tilting bacon that resembles the Leaning Tower of Piza.

The reason for rule 32 is that difficult customers really don't know what they want, they think they do, but they are dead wrong. Sandwich and deli workers may not make top salary but they are experts at their craft and if they weren't, office workers would still be making baloney sandwiches with mustad smiles and packing their lunch for work instead of paying 5-11 bucks for a sandwich at a restaurant.

I grab out a few pieces of bacon making it look like I'm sorting out the good from the bad, shift everything to one side of the tray, and saying aha a few times. "These look great for grilling!" I show her the flatest piece of bacon out of the 4 slices I have in my hand and she agrees that this is better than the original 4. but that piece was actually not as flat as the orginal 4 I had picked and the 3 that followed were even worse.

"Is there a way to make them flatter?, ... I mean, the heat should help relax them right?" said the whiney voice. "Actually, you are right, I forgot I had this press block." I replied with a devilious grin and the thought that bacon isn't like curled hair, you can't relax it. I imagined a girl at the salon with bacon hair trying to use a flat iron. I had to hold in laughter, atleast I was facing the grill at this time and not her otherwise I doubt I would have managed.

I heard the crunch of the bacon as I put the grill press block on them. It sounded like old bones crushing against one another. The crunch was so loud I'm surprised she didn't hear it over her own ignorance and annoying thought bubbles that must have been going on in her head. I went to move the press off as I thought the bacon had suffered enough but she said" Oh no leave it on for one more minute. I like my bacon crispy!"

I'm not one to argue with a customer, so I said, "wow you really do like it crispy but I don't want it to burn." "Oh it should be fine" she said," just a minute longer..... oh and all I want on it is mayo and lettuce. " So I topped her sub while waiting for her bacon. I picked up the press and the bacon was smashed to smithereens. The bacon now resembled little shards of heavily burnt plastic. "Smell's Great!" she chirped. Her mother must have burned bacon a lot while she was a child for her to actually love that smell. Serving your kid completely burnt food is only a step away from child abuse I thought. I felt bad for her, maybe her parents treated her badly and didn't properly cook food, maybe this is all she knows, maybe she is just acting out due to this abuse. She could be on her way to 12 steps to better food with Anoymous Burnt Food Addicts otherwise known as ABFA. I'm a horrible person for enabling her. What have I done?!

I have to pull myself together at this point. I'm in deep and I can't blow my cover. Maintain, remain cool, remember rule number 32. remember rule 32 I thought in my head over and over as I pressed the sandwich together and wrapped it.

I rang her up for her sandwich and she seemed pleased as she walked out the door I felt a sigh of relief. She was happy with her addiction and I was worried that she would keep coming back for it, and get frustrated if it wasn't done to her liking.

Well she did come back and I'm pleased to report that rule 32 worked just as planned. She made the calls and realized that what she wanted was a little absurd. She explained that I burnt her bacon. Oh wait? What the fuck? She is blaming me for her short comings as a leader in the sandwich arts. If the bacon was burnt it was not my fault I tried to take it off, it was heard that asks for it to me on longer.

Then she said something that made me take back all the feelings of sorrow for her, she said "Yeah the sub would have been excellent if you wouldn't have suggested heating up the bacon on the grill." Yes she had the nerve to lie in front of a long line of customers and she also had the nerve to say in a snotty voice, "what I wanted was for you to cook the bacon on the grill from start to finish." " You know, how normal people do it."

"No enlighten me princess, how do normal people cook bacon? " Okay I didn't actually say that but I wanted to. What I said was, you seemed happy when you saw me putting the sandwich together, you are the one that suggested recooking the bacon, and you never called us later to say it was inedible. Was it inedible?

Stumbing after a while she said yes. "but you ate it?" I questioned. She shook her head almost unable to speak and just as I thought I had won, she chimed in once again as I was trying to talk to the next customer.

"You know I would really like you to cook my bacon on the grill. I know you have more bacon back there, it shouldn't be that big of a deal to just cook up 4 slices for me. "

I'd like to tell you I remained calm at this point but I didn't I was clearly aggitated, as I excused myself from talking to the next customer to talk back to her. Ma'am to do that we would have to allocate half the grill for you as I'm sure that the other customers in front of you and the ones in back of you ording hot sandwiches don't want your bacon grease in their food. I will do this for you provided that you get everyone in line to say that it is okay to delay them the time it takes to cook your bacon. They all objected. I told her she could wait in line until resources became free for us to do that for her, but seeing that it was already 11:57 am knew there would be no chance until after 2 oclock that we could actually do this for her.

"Why can't you put it on the grill with everyones else's food" she chimed in. I heard a frustrated woman speak up and say "I just orded a grilled veggie wrap, can you make sure that her bacon doesn't go on the grill with mine, I'm a vegitarian and bacon grease will make me sick!

After explaining to her again why she would have to wait for the grill to be empty and how the restaurant was starting to fill up, she finally just gave up. Annoyed, and said fine, just put the bacon on the sandwich. As she strolled up to the register she asked if she could have a discount.

A discount! What for being a pain in the ass! She was denied the discount because our bacon is fresh every day we'd be happy to take the bacon off and substitue it for something else but you don't get a discount for inconviencing others.

She would come in from time to time after that, but she always had a turkey bacon and she never complained or asked for regrilled bacon again.